about me.....

this is a post about me.....

23 years of my existance... ive never realli been happi.... there was that onli one time... back when i was 16... for once.... i was realli happy.... but it turned out to be another sad day for me.... 7 years later... im afraid dat it may happen again.... that i will go through another one of those happiest cum saddest days of my life kind of thing.... but the difference now is dat i can take it.... and i know what to expect.... so realli... im kinda prepared for it.... so im thinking dat i shud be alrite....

all this time... i do not know how to be loved... or the feeling of being loved... i haf no idea what that is like.... i would like to find out..... but i guess i will jus haf to keep on waiting....

all i know how to do is to give and give and give....... i have never regretted being like dat.... people have said that im being stupid... but so what... bite me.... i am like dat.... i like to give... i like to give me all....

but for what? i dont know myself.... maybe its so dat when im giving... i dont think about myself... i dont think how lonely i realli am.... how sad i realli am....

i realized that i lived in a home without love.... mother wasnt around, father wasnt around.... my own brother was too busy with his own issues to care about me.... i have always felt as if nobody cared about me..... i grew up in this way.... i grew up too fast... i made myself independent, to be able to move on without the need of being cared for... and that has entirely crippled my soul.....

what a nice phrase... crippled my soul.... i like it....

i dunno what to do... i realli dont... i want to give and give and give.... but there isnt anybody for me to give it to is there?

i shed tears last night... onli 3.... should have been more, but none came.... i didnt haf that crappy feeling in my chest... for that i am thankful... i dun think i could have survived it....

wont somebody let me take care of you.... to receive what i have to give.... my all....

-agape-