i died.... i think....

i have come to realise... that i have died.... some time ago anyway... or so i think..... my death occurred around the same time as my grandfather's death.... it is somewhat related.... and i will explain how later on.... i think it is safe to say that a part of me died.... or maybe u can say that i lost my life force.... or my vibrancy.... or my will to live.... or my purpose... however u call it.... i did lose something.....

so.... this is one of my stories.... but before that... i shall go have a crap and smoke.... disgusted? so be it... lol....

if im not wrong... i was fourteen... was in sec school... yeah... that should be right... i knew that my grandfather has been sick... but it hasnt been that big a deal.... so i thought nothing of it.... anyway.... i was 14.... still young ya.... it was just like any other day..... i came home from school and all that.... my brother was out somewhere.... and suddenly... my dad and my grandfather and step mom wanted to bring me out..... i.... unexpectingly went with them.... in the end... we had a good dinner and i got home rather late.... like 10pm.... late by my standards then anyway..... and that was when they broke the news to me.... it was so offhand and it really caught me.... the offhand comment went something like this....

"tim, your katong gong gong just passed away...."

that was what i called him... katong gong gong..... it was easier to differienciate between grandfathers that way when i was younger..... my immediate reaction was "what!!!!" and of course i was angry.... because.... i found out.... he passed away 6 hrs ago..... they told me there was nothing i could do.... and there was no point going down to the hospital.... so they told me to get some sleep and see how it goes tmr.... disgruntled, but having no choice... i went to bed....

the next morning.... my mother came by and saw me and my brother....

they were both crying.... i understood why they were crying... i knew about death already... come on... i was 14..... but it just didnt hit me.... i was sad.... but i couldnt cry.... it wasnt because i knew i had to be strong and not cry and stuff like that..... but it was because i just couldnt cry.... there my brother and mum was... crying their hearts out.... and there i was... standing behind them.... telling them not to cry..... and not a single tear fell from my eyes.... i literally was trying to squeeze them out of my eyes.... but none came.... and i couldnt explain why.... there was just nothing....

i think.... that was when i died... i died along my grandfather.... my soul or at least half of it left with him.... maybe thats why sometimes i feel that my soul is black and yet transparent.... or its empty and heavy.... maybe its because some of it is missing? people who have knwon me then and who really know me now know that i am really different.... previously... i was more vibrant.... i would go ahead and do what i wanted to do... and get what i want.... i had purpose... i had direction.... i would lead people just because it was natural to me... i would tell people what to do and where to go... because it was me.... it was my role..... but now..... now its all different...

now.... i am content to sit back and go along for the ride..... u make the decision and i will be there..... u tell me what to do and i do it..... everything i do... i more or less do it for someone else.... i hardly ever do anything for my own sake anymore.... i am not alpha anymore... haha.... i gave up my rights and all that..... i have no purpose and direction... i lack it.... i guess people can probably feel or sense a sort of vibrancy from me.... but it really isnt obviously evident.... if i had to put into word... i would say that it is there.... but its not being utilised.... this is also due to the fact that i lack purpose and direction.... therefore..... i dare to say... i died...

who am i now? even i don't know.... my friends describe me as a 'lalang'..... something which sways with the wind.... and i guess they find it unnerving because they do not really know where my loyalties lie.... or if i do have loyalties at all.... but it is certain that i am not disloyal.... do u understand what i'm talking about? i hardly understand myself as well..... so if u have any clue.... please feel free to come up to me and enlighten me.... please.... i beg of you.....

wow.... this is quite a long entry isnt it? i thank u... whoever you are for reading the whole thing.... i hope that u did read the whole thing and not just skim through it and assume many things in this entry.... i wrote all this at a spur of the moment... and in one sitting.... i hope u appreciate it because i appreciate you for reading this.....

thank you.... whoever you are....